messy

it's time you knew
that everybody leave the lights on
so why don't we hit the switch

one of those days
when you wanna try heroin
drunk driving
some form of soft suicide

demonstrating my style

i went to a hardcore show last night. it was nice to see old friends
and catch up. someone called me a "lifer" which is funny because i've
been called a "drop out" so many times before.

it's really easy for me right now to fall into a lot of old behavior
which is counter productive. under the auspice of responsibility, i
will remain fervent in my power of selection.

i wanted to walk home

it's super warm tonight

san francisco nights

i can't wait for alkaline trio to put out a new album and have it blow
all the half rate shitty emo bands out of the water.

also, you should all own:
why?-elephant eyelash. one of the best things going on in music right
now.
kanye west-graduation
elliott-false cathedrals
afi-black sails in the sunset
american nightmare-background music
tom waits-mule variations

138

me underwater

& my kitler

that don't kill me

i slept on yr side of the bed this morning to prove to myself you are
never coming home. the pain is acute. but cute isn't strong enough a
word.

why...

is it so hard for me to put one foot in front of the other some days?

ew

not a morning person

scandanavian leather

this picture does not due this band justice. its called operatic metal
and the singer is a preacher for his own church back in finland or
sweden or somewhere. he's wearing those weird furry boot things and
both chicks sing off key. it might be the worst thing i've ever heard
but completely amazing at the same time.

after the rain

sf from the 25th floor.

hips don't lie

sociologically, the little girl emo scene intrigues me.

cross my heart and hope to die

i have a busy week coming up. my mom is in town all week, we are going
to dinner tonight. veronica and all my dead to me boys get in tomorrow
night and play on tuesday, so that's what i'll be doing until they
bounce. i wish they didn't have to leave again, i love them so much.
becca will be here wednesday and i can't wait for dinner and drinks. i
need some new york in my life right now. god, i love that fucking place
and can't wait to move. friday is the lucero show. they are chris'
fave band and real nice guys, but it will be hard for me to get through
it without talking to him about it. slowly but surely...

animal rescue

this is probably the best show ever. the theme song is totes amazing
and the animal rescue safety tips are invaluable.

this is what i get for working insane hours. i'm so used to the 4pm to
2am thing, i forget it's not real normal.

until further notice

i am devastated.

new words for old desires

a quick rundown of my physical/mental state is as follows:

...i got stung by a bee yesterday. just walking in cole valley on the way to the train. on my finger. which is now swollen and ten times it's normal size.

...i dropped my sidekick in a keg cup full of chardonnay. needless to say, it's ruined. i'm using some cheap ass ghetto phone until the new SK LX comes out in a week or so. most of my numbers aren't saved for some reason and texting is a bitch. the aim service sucks and i can't check my tmail.

...i haven't heard from chris. i often wonder if he thinks about me the same way i think about him. i don't know how it can be so easy for someone to just give up everything in such a callous manner. he's not the same guy i know and love, but is it really pathetic of me to want the old chris back? and to grasp to the sliver of hope he will realize it's not "too much" and we can work things out? i don't know how he's going to be able to get to san francisco and not call...he fucking lived here...with me, in my house. needless to say, i'm heartbroken and still slightly confused but i'm being strong, kinda, i think. (notreally)

...i'm still super sick and can't seem to fucking kick this illness. maybe i need to take a night off.

i feel like life has thrown me a huge curveball and just to let you know, i quit the tball team when i was 5 because i couldn't hit the ball. let's see if anything has changed.

today is gabriel's birthday. last year at this time we were getting drunk, riding bikes, and playing pinball. i miss my friend and wish he was here. i want to show him a good time because he helps me through all the bad ones.

knee deep

shit was INSANE.

tops for today

its really beautiful out and i'm still real sick but enjoying my day of
r&r. working a turbonegro show tonight.

+sunshine. san francisco is beautiful today.

+dave alvin and the guilty men. he's got some epic songs. best hour of
the day at my stage for sure.

+patron silver. taking shots of them.

+LA made basic tees. the cuts and fabrics are super unique.

+motion city soundtrack's new album. never has one lp paralleled my
life so honestly and succinctly.

+big gold purses. and carrying mine everywhere.

+my apt building getting painted. it's gonna look real nice.

+landing on both feet. and rather quickly. still
miss him everyday but i'm not debilitated.

+kusco murphy hair products. i can't get enough.

+twopointeight. chris speaks very highly of this band and i took a
bunch of music off his ipod and listened to a couple songs when we flew
to LA. just rediscovered it but this band is REALLY GOOD. they are
swedish but should be way more popular.

+hardly strictly bluegrass number 7 being over. it's bittersweet, the
people i work with become family for a week, but i enjoy sleeping.

+my friends. i love you guys more than i could ever fully demonstrate.

ugh

having the morning off means i'm gonna lie here and feel the sting of
losing my best friend. it doesn't have to be like this.

sun day

dave alvin.

...

steve earle and allison moorer covering pete seeger. early mornings are
worth shit like this.

i want them back

i need to be up in 3 hours. i'm working a good 18 hour day tomorrow.

they gave me all these management responsibilties for hsb this year.
how am i supposed to manage people when i can't even hold myself
together?

i swear i'll land on both feet, i might have to balance on one leg for
awhile though. all i ask is you give me a hand when i start to fall
down again.

sk camera plus two hours of tears.

and...

i'm pretty sure this is one of the worst weeks of my entire life.
i have never felt so unloved, unimportant, dumb, ugly, overworked, sick, naive, disrespected, unhappy, exhausted, stressed, and taken advantage of.
i just want to cry for a thousand years. i can't believe this is happening to me.

sometimes

i have a friend that knows the true meaning of friendship. he always
has my back, always picks me up when i fall down (all too often), and
sometimes he texts me sweet nothings at exactly the right time. this
week has been anything but easy, but knowing i have a few choice friends
that will listen to me talk endlessly makes me realize that the ones
that don't want to listen to me aren't worth speaking to.

im so tired

the stage before the stage. these boys work real hard.

the conversation

you remember how we met? silhouetted by the lights?
you were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with you hands.

i was thinking about that and a bunch of other things. stop looking at
the floor.
i need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

i can't explain. i need to be alone.

i know the timing isn't great. these things you just can't plan.
i just need a little time so i can find myself again.

'cause i get buried underneath all the things they think you are and i'm
too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out.

i had a pocketful of dreams but i gave them all to you.
now i think i want 'em back so can you tell me if i'm crazy or
confused?

don't ever change. the way you are. i've never loved anyone more.

hsb 7

the office

when the lights go down

sometimes the natural beauty of this city astounds me still, after 25
years. sf will always be my home.

im through with these pills that make me sit still

today is better than yesterday. and i have a feeling that tomorrow will
be better than today. my boyfriend has renewed my faith in him, just a
little bit. just for now. it will take a little while for me to give
myself away to him the way i did before.

it's super warm here today. i'm gonna be working crazy hours starting
tomorrow so if i don't talk to you, i'm sorry. it's only because when
not working, i will be sleeping. mostly just working though.

i'm trying to get back into this blogging thing. i have a hard time
believing anyone really cares that much about what i have to say. i'm
boring and, though only very recently, slightly insane.

the face of resiliency

or maybe i'm just fooling myself