nothing compares to a quiet evening alone

but for some reason...sitting still, being contemplative, reading books, watching movies, listening to new music online, none of this seems to satiate my mind. being with family is always nice, but i'm so bored right now, the idea of the santa rosa bar scene is enticing, almost exciting.

i definitely have a new crush but we haven't hung out much, so we'll see what happens a little further down the road. the idea of dating someone new doesn't excite me as much as it scares me.
i still long for a solid friendship with the one that flew away, i haven't accepted defeat insomuch that i haven't really accepted the situation for what it is...yet. in time i will learn why things are the way the are, but until then, i can only reach as far as my frail little arms will let me. every time i think about him, i feel like someone punched me in the stomach really hard. for lack of a better simile.

merry christmas. i love my friends more than they will ever, ever, ever know.

xmas eve pt 2

from my fire escape. haight st.

xmas eve

at my house.

shhhh

i have a secret crush on shawn harris.

mutiny

i went to santa cruz and all i got was an artist wristband and a subpar
vegan santa fe salad.

the con

listening to this album reminds me of watching the state of connecticut
fly by my window on a train headed to new york. le sigh.

erica's legacy

must have inspired this new restaurant downtown.

my mind on shuffle

beginners mistake; resiliency does not trump fragility. i should have
known better the first time, this is the last time. to truly flourish
under the pretense, i must fully commit to the certain set of beliefs i
have laid down for myself. figuring out what exactly they are, though,
is tantamount to actively pursuing the things and people i love with a
vigor i seem to have lost with the years. i never wanted to be "one of
many" but defending a title so trivial as what has been deemed
acceptable is a waste of time and productivity is my gauge of self
worth. so unfortunate that my head and my heart reside in two different
galaxies. if i had a rocketship, i'm not sure in which direction i would
move, if only to idle static in the vast mess of everything in between.

and we say goodbye...

and go underground.

in love

this pic sucks cause i took it from the sound booth at the bar but im in
love with the guy in the white shirt. center stage. like, for real.

community.livejournal.com/cobra_secret

um wow. ok. i'm not sure how i feel about this.

what if...

i already had my inconvienent, consuming, ridiculous,
can't-live-without-each-other love. and what if i never get it again?
some days i miss too much.

i can't seem to wake up today. listening to ultimate fakebook on
repeat. i'm almost not 25 anymore.

maybe

i made a huge mistake. i hope this doesn't backfire.

don't look up

i really think that i hate you and love you and hate to love you and
love to hate you.

even if it kills me..

i might have said this before but motion city soundtrack's new record is
probably my fave of the whole year and is still on repeat in my house.
no album has ever captured my life at the moment as perfectly as EIIKM.

thank you guys so much for the show last night! mcs was amazing, i think
it even mighta been the best i've ever seen them. wish all my fave
ladies coulda been there with me.

aug in nyc

missssss....

drink up boys

it was their last night in town.

back in business

i got a new phone. finally. i got a new crush. finally.

i'm going to sacramento for a dead to me show on wednesday. well, kinda
for dtm, kinda for another reason all together but I'll keep my mouth
shut about that one.

alert the audience

i've been in strange moods lately. sometimes i'm really happy, and then sometimes, like tonight, i have bad anxiety attacks for no reason. well, tonight there were way too many people i either love, hate, see too much, never see, or used to work/date/sleep with. it was too much for me to handle.

it's raining and i like it. the air is always crisp and clean, it helps clear my head when it gets a little foggy.

i'm really into the fall fashion this year. proenza schouler and zac posen are doing some amazing things right now. i really wish my job permitted me the monetary means to afford said couture.

also, i'm really stoked for chloe sevigny's new line for opening ceremony. i've been singing the praises of this store for years and now it's the "it" boutique in lower manhattan. new york, i love you so much.

ugh

i'm at ryan's house listening to jerky boys. i had vegan french toast for breakfast. none of this fixes the fact that i'm a complete mess knowing that cr is less than a mile from my house and i have no way of getting ahold of him. this pain is deeper than i thought.

if you got money, you get in for free

i was lamenting to my friend the other day how i don't feel comfortable
unless i'm inside a rock club or on a tour bus. this is depressing to
me, but unless i quit my job and blacklist the last 10 years of my life,
i can't see that changing anytime soon.

i had a crazy couple days with teresa in town. lots of mutual friend
gossip, late nights, champagne, and cocaine. that last one i had no
part in though, thankfully. it's comforting having ladies in my life
who work with touring musicians as much as i do and understand the life
i live.

chris is in california right now and it's breaking my heart all over
again not being able to talk to him. i wasn't prepared for how it all
went down and i never, ever, ever wanted it to be like this. i would
give up all the other ones for him. they only temporarily take my mind
off the fact that i can't have the one i want. i can't close the book
yet, an ending hasn't been written.

messy

it's time you knew
that everybody leave the lights on
so why don't we hit the switch

one of those days
when you wanna try heroin
drunk driving
some form of soft suicide

demonstrating my style

i went to a hardcore show last night. it was nice to see old friends
and catch up. someone called me a "lifer" which is funny because i've
been called a "drop out" so many times before.

it's really easy for me right now to fall into a lot of old behavior
which is counter productive. under the auspice of responsibility, i
will remain fervent in my power of selection.

i wanted to walk home

it's super warm tonight

san francisco nights

i can't wait for alkaline trio to put out a new album and have it blow
all the half rate shitty emo bands out of the water.

also, you should all own:
why?-elephant eyelash. one of the best things going on in music right
now.
kanye west-graduation
elliott-false cathedrals
afi-black sails in the sunset
american nightmare-background music
tom waits-mule variations

138

me underwater

& my kitler

that don't kill me

i slept on yr side of the bed this morning to prove to myself you are
never coming home. the pain is acute. but cute isn't strong enough a
word.

why...

is it so hard for me to put one foot in front of the other some days?

ew

not a morning person

scandanavian leather

this picture does not due this band justice. its called operatic metal
and the singer is a preacher for his own church back in finland or
sweden or somewhere. he's wearing those weird furry boot things and
both chicks sing off key. it might be the worst thing i've ever heard
but completely amazing at the same time.

after the rain

sf from the 25th floor.

hips don't lie

sociologically, the little girl emo scene intrigues me.

cross my heart and hope to die

i have a busy week coming up. my mom is in town all week, we are going
to dinner tonight. veronica and all my dead to me boys get in tomorrow
night and play on tuesday, so that's what i'll be doing until they
bounce. i wish they didn't have to leave again, i love them so much.
becca will be here wednesday and i can't wait for dinner and drinks. i
need some new york in my life right now. god, i love that fucking place
and can't wait to move. friday is the lucero show. they are chris'
fave band and real nice guys, but it will be hard for me to get through
it without talking to him about it. slowly but surely...

animal rescue

this is probably the best show ever. the theme song is totes amazing
and the animal rescue safety tips are invaluable.

this is what i get for working insane hours. i'm so used to the 4pm to
2am thing, i forget it's not real normal.

until further notice

i am devastated.

new words for old desires

a quick rundown of my physical/mental state is as follows:

...i got stung by a bee yesterday. just walking in cole valley on the way to the train. on my finger. which is now swollen and ten times it's normal size.

...i dropped my sidekick in a keg cup full of chardonnay. needless to say, it's ruined. i'm using some cheap ass ghetto phone until the new SK LX comes out in a week or so. most of my numbers aren't saved for some reason and texting is a bitch. the aim service sucks and i can't check my tmail.

...i haven't heard from chris. i often wonder if he thinks about me the same way i think about him. i don't know how it can be so easy for someone to just give up everything in such a callous manner. he's not the same guy i know and love, but is it really pathetic of me to want the old chris back? and to grasp to the sliver of hope he will realize it's not "too much" and we can work things out? i don't know how he's going to be able to get to san francisco and not call...he fucking lived here...with me, in my house. needless to say, i'm heartbroken and still slightly confused but i'm being strong, kinda, i think. (notreally)

...i'm still super sick and can't seem to fucking kick this illness. maybe i need to take a night off.

i feel like life has thrown me a huge curveball and just to let you know, i quit the tball team when i was 5 because i couldn't hit the ball. let's see if anything has changed.

today is gabriel's birthday. last year at this time we were getting drunk, riding bikes, and playing pinball. i miss my friend and wish he was here. i want to show him a good time because he helps me through all the bad ones.

knee deep

shit was INSANE.

tops for today

its really beautiful out and i'm still real sick but enjoying my day of
r&r. working a turbonegro show tonight.

+sunshine. san francisco is beautiful today.

+dave alvin and the guilty men. he's got some epic songs. best hour of
the day at my stage for sure.

+patron silver. taking shots of them.

+LA made basic tees. the cuts and fabrics are super unique.

+motion city soundtrack's new album. never has one lp paralleled my
life so honestly and succinctly.

+big gold purses. and carrying mine everywhere.

+my apt building getting painted. it's gonna look real nice.

+landing on both feet. and rather quickly. still
miss him everyday but i'm not debilitated.

+kusco murphy hair products. i can't get enough.

+twopointeight. chris speaks very highly of this band and i took a
bunch of music off his ipod and listened to a couple songs when we flew
to LA. just rediscovered it but this band is REALLY GOOD. they are
swedish but should be way more popular.

+hardly strictly bluegrass number 7 being over. it's bittersweet, the
people i work with become family for a week, but i enjoy sleeping.

+my friends. i love you guys more than i could ever fully demonstrate.

ugh

having the morning off means i'm gonna lie here and feel the sting of
losing my best friend. it doesn't have to be like this.

sun day

dave alvin.

...

steve earle and allison moorer covering pete seeger. early mornings are
worth shit like this.

i want them back

i need to be up in 3 hours. i'm working a good 18 hour day tomorrow.

they gave me all these management responsibilties for hsb this year.
how am i supposed to manage people when i can't even hold myself
together?

i swear i'll land on both feet, i might have to balance on one leg for
awhile though. all i ask is you give me a hand when i start to fall
down again.

sk camera plus two hours of tears.

and...

i'm pretty sure this is one of the worst weeks of my entire life.
i have never felt so unloved, unimportant, dumb, ugly, overworked, sick, naive, disrespected, unhappy, exhausted, stressed, and taken advantage of.
i just want to cry for a thousand years. i can't believe this is happening to me.

sometimes

i have a friend that knows the true meaning of friendship. he always
has my back, always picks me up when i fall down (all too often), and
sometimes he texts me sweet nothings at exactly the right time. this
week has been anything but easy, but knowing i have a few choice friends
that will listen to me talk endlessly makes me realize that the ones
that don't want to listen to me aren't worth speaking to.

im so tired

the stage before the stage. these boys work real hard.

the conversation

you remember how we met? silhouetted by the lights?
you were drunk and tried to take a mental picture with you hands.

i was thinking about that and a bunch of other things. stop looking at
the floor.
i need to pour out this expansive dose of words.

i can't explain. i need to be alone.

i know the timing isn't great. these things you just can't plan.
i just need a little time so i can find myself again.

'cause i get buried underneath all the things they think you are and i'm
too tired to pretend it doesn't hurt to be left out.

i had a pocketful of dreams but i gave them all to you.
now i think i want 'em back so can you tell me if i'm crazy or
confused?

don't ever change. the way you are. i've never loved anyone more.

hsb 7

the office

when the lights go down

sometimes the natural beauty of this city astounds me still, after 25
years. sf will always be my home.

im through with these pills that make me sit still

today is better than yesterday. and i have a feeling that tomorrow will
be better than today. my boyfriend has renewed my faith in him, just a
little bit. just for now. it will take a little while for me to give
myself away to him the way i did before.

it's super warm here today. i'm gonna be working crazy hours starting
tomorrow so if i don't talk to you, i'm sorry. it's only because when
not working, i will be sleeping. mostly just working though.

i'm trying to get back into this blogging thing. i have a hard time
believing anyone really cares that much about what i have to say. i'm
boring and, though only very recently, slightly insane.

the face of resiliency

or maybe i'm just fooling myself

the subject of my broken heart

i swear it's meant to be

anaheim

this venue was weird.

my new home

since hiplog died, i joined the world of real blogs. so now i have a new place to post absolutely pointless ramblings and pictures that make no sense.

i'm waiting for the sushi i ordered to arrive. sometimes not having a license has it's perks; meaning, i don't ever have to be the one to pick up the take out.